Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...

Mr Teufel · May 11, 2007, 09:53:08 AM

Quote from: Custom_Hobby on May 10, 2007, 08:29:36 PM
The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
...(snip funny joke)...

:laughing4:

I'm pretty sure this joke predates the internet. Doesn't make it less funny, tho.

Custom_Hobby · May 16, 2007, 01:46:43 PM

This isn't a joke but it did make me laugh, and I thought I liked candy!

http://www.cnn.com:80/2007/LAW/05/15/skittles.gone.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Bodhi · May 16, 2007, 03:37:36 PM

Quote from: Custom_Hobby on May 10, 2007, 08:29:36 PM
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Three religions claim this: Zoroastrianism (they invented it...), Christianity and Islam. Most jews believe that the afterlife is a pretty drab affair for believer and nonbeliever alike and therefore not really worth any concern - one should concentrate on THIS life. All other religions of the world have no concept of hell.

Which kind of spoils the theory...

I heard a joke once...
But I can't remember it...

Fabian · May 24, 2007, 06:40:18 AM

I'm at work at the mo for a small theatre company... the phone just rang and an Indian gentleman introduced himself "Good morning, my name is Fabian," My eyes bugged out and I felt like saying, "You can't be! I am!" He went on to blather about "Who supplies your electricity?" , "No idea, I just work here".

It was weird, anyway.

dargrin · May 24, 2007, 01:41:13 PM

Things you will never see in Star Trek
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1. A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and

suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

2. A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or

whatever.

3. McCoy says, "On second thought,maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor

after all."

4. Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.

5. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with

the Enterprise's

computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

6 .Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

7. Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

8. Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

9. A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

10. Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

11 .An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not

threatening or menacing in any way.

12. Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

13. The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and

nobody suffers

major emotional trauma.

14. A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

15. The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for

some world other than Earth.

16. McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

17. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which

is in some way

unconnected to the late 20th century.

18. Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

19. Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What

is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"

20. The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced

people which

is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

21. Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.

22. Artificial intelligence and android technology make human

exploration of the galaxy

obsolete.

23. The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

24. The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered

several times before.

25. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but

fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to

everyone's satisfaction.

26. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a

faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.

27. The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for

which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterpise sick bay.

28. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which

later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny

hat.

29. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are

all perfectly alright.

30. Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of

their "distressed" feelings.

31. Data figures out that being a robot is good.

32. Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.

33. The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.

34. The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long enough.

35. Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is

white.

36. Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10 Forward.

37. Troi is able to explain her accent.

38. Picard explains his accent.

39. The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

40. The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.

41. Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise's source of drinking water is recycled human waste.

42. The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

43. An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads

to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on

episodes.

44. An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies

of Picard. They all get along fine.

45. An entire year goes by without the Enterprise encountering any

relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.

46. A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each

other, in an upwards position.

47. Riker loses weight from the previous year's episodes.

48. A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral

dilema for him and that he is glad to go along with.

49. A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and or sexual

fantasies on the holodeck and having to be forceably removed.

50. A conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through

kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

51. Any member of the crew who isn't part of the bridge crew or happens

to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the

bridge crew is there.

52. Anyone who works for a living.

53. Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that can not be

instantly and completely recovered from.

54 A space battle where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same

shot.

55. Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to

the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or

otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been

eliminated in the future.

Agentmolar · June 03, 2007, 04:17:41 AM

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off t he ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.