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General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Dr.Evil on February 13, 2007, 08:15:29 PM

Title: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on February 13, 2007, 08:15:29 PM
An English man, Scot's man and Irish man are captured by cannibals and are given one last request before they are chopped up and dumped into the stew pot.

The chief says to the English man "what is your last request" and the English man asks for a cigarette, the chief gives the cigarette to the English man who smokes it and then gets chopped up and dumped into the pot.

The chief says to the Scot's man "what is your last request" and the Scot's man asks for a whiskey, the chief gives the whiskey to the Scot's man who drinks it and then gets chopped up and dumped into the pot.

The chief says to the Irish man "what is your last request" and the Irish man asks for two slices of bread, the chief gives the two slices of bread to the Irish man who then sticks his penis* between the slices and wank's till he shoots between them and gives it back to the chief.

The chief looks at the bread and holds up his hands saying "set the white man free, he come's in piece" !!!!


For anyone who can't get it, a sandwich here is also call a piece (spelling might be wrong there) as it is made from two pieces of bread.  :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on February 14, 2007, 09:13:46 AM
 :snorting:
:cm
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: gi6ers on February 14, 2007, 09:52:41 AM
Dog walks into an employment agency and walks to the guy on the desk, asks him if he's got any jobs.

Bloke behind the desk says 'wow, course we can help! You are a talking dog, I'll get onto the circus and the media'

Dog says 'that's no good, I'm a plumber'

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on February 14, 2007, 10:11:08 AM
 :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on February 14, 2007, 11:41:14 AM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze,so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."  :jawsdown:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: gi6ers on February 14, 2007, 11:58:51 AM
A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives there is just a dog sat in a cage.









It was a rubbish*zu.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on February 14, 2007, 12:11:08 PM
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".  So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent.  No other children volunteered.  Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on February 15, 2007, 07:02:11 PM
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-2660802447916665129&q=genre%3Aanimation

This one is for David.  :icon_wink:
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-3964028942760013618
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 12, 2007, 10:23:42 AM
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.


Edit: I tweaked the title :icon_cool:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 12, 2007, 10:27:43 AM
What do you call a marine with an IQ of 180?




A platoon
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on April 12, 2007, 10:37:43 AM
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on April 12, 2007, 10:40:14 AM
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on April 12, 2007, 10:41:25 AM
There's no future in time travel.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on April 12, 2007, 10:42:43 AM
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.


There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary: those who do and those who don't.


OK.  I'll stop now.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 12, 2007, 10:48:18 AM
(http://www.indiawargamers.com/images/articles/posters/bad_dice.jpg)

(http://www.indiawargamers.com/images/articles/posters/we_play_fantasy.jpg)

from http://www.indiawargamers.com/index.html
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 13, 2007, 12:11:43 PM
Cannibals.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo,
- you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on April 13, 2007, 04:51:05 PM
Just notice something about someone's Avatar here that i didn't see before and it made me laugh like i did with my Gandulf.  :icon_razz:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/WRISTACTION/Example/Fabian-1.jpg?t=1176501284)

Sorry Fabian but it makes me think of Picasso's style of painting.  ::)

 :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bruenor Odinson on April 20, 2007, 03:02:17 AM
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o131/bruenorbat/lotr-ttt-ext-dvd16.jpg)

(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o131/bruenorbat/thhandstand.gif)

(http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g104/menace1968/dragon08ds4.gif)

(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k4/nidhoggstrike/monorailcat.jpg)

Thought you might like some of these if you've not already seen them.
Thanks to some good friends over at WOM.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 23, 2007, 03:41:53 PM
Just got this from a friend in texas....


Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?
 
 
Answer - A map of the United States
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on April 23, 2007, 03:49:56 PM
Monty Python Meets Star Wars.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CLwxObfaNE

Bit of cursing in it.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 25, 2007, 11:40:46 AM
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.....

THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING...


BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on April 25, 2007, 11:57:54 AM
@ Wristy - I see what you mean!  :icon_razz:

Trust me, he does have an eye on the other side that's the same size!

Hmm now that sounds dodgy...
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 27, 2007, 11:08:11 AM
Sexist Jokes for computer nuts


Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What
can I do?

Signed, Desperate ------------------


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME

to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly to run over night.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support
------------------

Dear IT Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardrive.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on April 27, 2007, 11:19:30 AM
watch till the end....

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2566269671806009973&q=jesus
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on April 27, 2007, 06:52:38 PM
http://blog.scifi.com/tech/archives/2007/04/19/darth_vader_hot.html
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on April 29, 2007, 03:58:03 PM
Seen in a post on Bartertown offering Wargods figs: "Harbringer of Horace"  ... I'm hoping the seller means Horus, otherwise there's an Egyptian god I don't know about... one who sounds sort of middle class and inclined to mow the lawn and wash the car...
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on May 05, 2007, 02:02:46 AM
I made this when it was being decided if Kev's self sculpt would have....  :icon_wink:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/WRISTACTION/funny/KEVPRTEST.jpg)

What happened to it anyway.  :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on May 05, 2007, 02:14:36 PM
Agent Molar and I wondered that at Salute. I think we both chickened out of asking him. That is unless the dental one has been holding something back...
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 10, 2007, 07:29:36 PM
The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Agentmolar on May 10, 2007, 08:17:00 PM
Agent Molar and I wondered that at Salute. I think we both chickened out of asking him. That is unless the dental one has been holding something back...

nope im not asking kev about his meat and two veg. Ive already copped flack before for being concerned about anatomical correctness is minis!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Mr Teufel on May 11, 2007, 08:53:08 AM
The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
...(snip funny joke)...
  :laughing4:

I'm pretty sure this joke predates the internet. Doesn't make it less funny, tho.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 16, 2007, 12:46:43 PM
This isn't a joke but it did make me laugh, and I thought I liked candy!

http://www.cnn.com:80/2007/LAW/05/15/skittles.gone.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bodhi on May 16, 2007, 02:37:36 PM
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Three religions claim this: Zoroastrianism (they invented it...), Christianity and Islam. Most jews believe that the afterlife is a pretty drab affair for believer and nonbeliever alike and therefore not really worth any concern - one should concentrate on THIS life. All other religions of the world have no concept of hell.

Which kind of spoils the theory...

I heard a joke once...
But I can't remember it...
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on May 24, 2007, 05:40:18 AM
I'm at work at the mo for a small theatre company... the phone just rang and an Indian gentleman introduced himself "Good morning, my name is Fabian," My eyes bugged out and I felt like saying, "You can't be! I am!" He went on to blather about "Who supplies your electricity?" , "No idea, I just work here".

It was weird, anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on May 24, 2007, 12:41:13 PM
Things you will never see in Star Trek
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1. A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and

suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

2. A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or

whatever.

3. McCoy says, "On second thought,maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor

after all."

4. Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.

5. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with

the Enterprise's

computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

6 .Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

7. Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

8. Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

9. A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

10. Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

11 .An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not

threatening or menacing in any way.

12. Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

13. The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and

nobody suffers

major emotional trauma.

14. A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

15. The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for

some world other than Earth.

16. McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

17. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which

is in some way

unconnected to the late 20th century.

18. Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

19. Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What

is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"

20. The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced

people which

is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

21. Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.

22. Artificial intelligence and android technology make human

exploration of the galaxy

obsolete.

23. The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

24. The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered

several times before.

25. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but

fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to

everyone's satisfaction.

26. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a

faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.

27. The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for

which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterpise sick bay.

28. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which

later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny

hat.

29. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are

all perfectly alright.

30. Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of

their "distressed" feelings.

31. Data figures out that being a robot is good.

32. Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.

33. The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.

34. The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long enough.

35. Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is

white.

36. Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10 Forward.

37. Troi is able to explain her accent.

38. Picard explains his accent.

39. The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

40. The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.

41. Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise's source of drinking water is recycled human waste.

42. The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

43. An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads

to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on

episodes.

44. An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies

of Picard. They all get along fine.

45. An entire year goes by without the Enterprise encountering any

relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.

46. A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each

other, in an upwards position.

47. Riker loses weight from the previous year's episodes.

48. A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral

dilema for him and that he is glad to go along with.

49. A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and or sexual

fantasies on the holodeck and having to be forceably removed.

50. A conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through

kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

51. Any member of the crew who isn't part of the bridge crew or happens

to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the

bridge crew is there.

52. Anyone who works for a living.

53. Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that can not be

instantly and completely recovered from.

54 A space battle where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same

shot.

55. Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to

the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or

otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been

eliminated in the future.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Agentmolar on June 03, 2007, 03:17:41 AM
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off t he ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Agentmolar on June 08, 2007, 01:21:36 AM
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/109566/Hitler_Banned_From_Xbox_Live.html
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Baldemyr on July 05, 2007, 07:55:08 AM
http://www.warehouse23.com/item.html?id=W23-1001L


I MUST get this Tshirt.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on July 05, 2007, 08:12:32 AM
Heard this one at work today ...



A woman walks into a bar, approaches the barman and says "I'd like a double entendre."

So he gives her one.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 13, 2007, 02:06:14 PM
http://katfarm.com/
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on September 01, 2007, 08:27:25 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x25jVzVP1bY
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on September 13, 2007, 09:33:37 AM
Maybe you already know this. Me and my brother couldn't stop laughing when seeing it:

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=rZBA0SKmQy8
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on September 13, 2007, 11:22:07 AM
A good laugh
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on September 23, 2007, 06:31:23 AM
Do not try this.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/805765/how_to_untangle_headphones_using_a_cat/
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on September 23, 2007, 08:30:01 AM
I don't even know what to say after that one
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on September 23, 2007, 08:39:43 AM
It's a trick for sure as I think you would kill the cat if you did it for real and it wouldn't be so clean either....  :icon_sick:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on September 23, 2007, 08:48:04 AM
LOL, oh it wouldn't be clean at all, lol. It was probably some sort of slight of hand (or camera) trick
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bodhi on September 23, 2007, 10:00:44 AM
Doubt that it would KILL the cat but it would cause some serious indigestion. To begin with the cat most likely wouldn't eat. Cat's tend to be picky when odd stuff is in their food (ever tried putting medicine in catfood. You have to hide it well or most cats will just walk away from it)
But it was funny  :icon_smile:

Comics never get good when retold but I'll try anyway (I found this one hilarious)
The strip is called "A tough day for kitty"
First picture shows a toddler watching a punch and judy show. A cat is dozing nearby
Second picture shows the baby glancing at the cat then at the puppets
Third picture shows the toddler smiling happily ramming her fist up where the sun don't shine and the cat screaming in shocked outrage.

Pure genious I thought. Pure genious. An incredibly simple idea well executed  :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: eyeolas on October 03, 2007, 01:47:22 PM
http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q152/clayinferno/LINUX.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on October 03, 2007, 02:27:26 PM
Math Problem (click on the attachment)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bruenor Odinson on October 04, 2007, 05:45:48 AM
A Man walks into a bar...............ouch.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on October 04, 2007, 06:10:31 AM
Wonder if 911 will help me with my mini painting.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on October 04, 2007, 09:35:46 AM
Wonder if 911 will help me with my mini painting.

Even GOD has limits you know..  :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on October 05, 2007, 08:20:19 AM
Just got sent this link:

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Now all of my work colleagues think I'm mental because I started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe by the time I got to Duckbunny!!  :icon_lol:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on October 05, 2007, 08:50:26 AM
Just got sent this link:

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Now all of my work colleagues think I'm mental because I started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe by the time I got to Duckbunny!!  :icon_lol:

Just the same. My wife was on the phone with her mother talking about serious stuff, and I had to explain why I was laughing... :dragon:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on October 05, 2007, 10:23:55 AM
I read this a while ago, it did make me shake my head with disbelief and nod in rueful agreement. I had erased the Dragon article that duck-bunny, armidalephant et al came from...

I still have the mag - horrible artwork, godawful monsters... the worst is the dragonfly-turtle... that's right a giant dragonfly crossed with a dragon turtle. It hurts my brain so much.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on October 05, 2007, 12:25:46 PM
Good article.  But he forgot the worst creature of them all!  The Nilbog.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Fabian on October 05, 2007, 04:33:10 PM
Oh god yes. I remember my biology teacher at school told me about them... ooh about 13 years ago. He played back in the day (so that must have been early '80s with the NIlbog), but I thought he had made it up. And then I discovered years later that the dastardly creature actually existed!

My least favourite creature from 3.5 is either the phantom fungus or the delver... they're just... odd. OK, beholders are odd, but kinda cool. The idea of them and illithids scared the crud* out of me as a player when I was younger.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on October 08, 2007, 09:41:11 AM
"What if we get an 8?  Got help us all............"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs&feature=dir (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs&feature=dir)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bodhi on October 08, 2007, 10:15:28 AM
Da kommt ein man aus Scwaben in eine kneipe rein und fragt:
"Kann mann hier rum kriechen?"
Der barmeister antwortet:
"Nein, hier wird ordentlish hingesetzt!"

ROFLMAO!!!


(German dialectal pun with words at its best. No I won't translate it  :icon_mrgreen:)

Oh and I know a bushman joke to:

Once upon a time the man didn't know how to make a woman with children
So he went to the woman and held his thing at her ear "Is it that hole?" "No it's not that hole" the woman replied
He then held his thing at her eye "is it that hole?" "No it's not that hole either" the woman replied Then he held his thing at her eye "is it that hole?" "no it's not that hole either the woman replied, it's the one between my legs"
"Oh I get it" the man said and thus the first baby was made.
Apparently it has bushmen (or !Kung [the ! representing a clicksound] as they call themselves) in stitches  :icon_rolleyes:.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on October 08, 2007, 10:54:18 AM
"What if we get an 8?  Got help us all............"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs&feature=dir (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs&feature=dir)

Superb! :D
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on October 08, 2007, 12:29:14 PM
Maybe there are Murloc fans among us?

Here is the song (http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=PwD9bjGk1cY)

Here is he game (http://www.jeuxvideo-flash.com/jeu-2546-murloc.php)

Here is the translator (http://murloc.no-ip.org/)

I almost wanted to play a Sahuagin after this...almost... :abduct:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on October 09, 2007, 05:00:21 AM
Excellent :)

I love the nob-based guitar spin at about 2:25 in the song!!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on October 12, 2007, 10:10:49 AM
Your cringe for the day.

This one time, at band camp.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wffwg7pA0t8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wffwg7pA0t8)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on October 22, 2007, 09:27:38 PM
If WWII was an online rpg...

http://www.4guysfromviewpoint.com/?p=76
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Balgin Stondraeg on November 06, 2007, 12:17:51 PM
I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it.  (http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1022757_cool_cash_card_confusion)

 :applause:

Some people couldn't count backwards.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on November 06, 2007, 12:23:00 PM
I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it.  (http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1022757_cool_cash_card_confusion)

 :applause:

Some people couldn't count backwards.

What is funny about this is that the majority of the people who play scratchcards don't have the mathematics to realise that it is all a bit of a forlorn hope.  Then to expect them to compare two negative numbers to see which is higher - the joke is on Camelot, me thinks, not the poor buggers who've never learned negative numbers.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on November 13, 2007, 10:05:58 AM
For all you cat lovers out there:

4 meg file

http://home.comcast.net/~mikechrisnoahtyler/wake-up.wmv
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on November 13, 2007, 10:42:24 AM
Not funny, but kinda cool:

http://www.freerice.com/

Learn vocabulary and feed the world.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on November 13, 2007, 11:42:15 AM
Not funny, but kinda cool:

http://www.freerice.com/

Learn vocabulary and feed the world.

Well, I got to vocab level 49, anyone got to 50?  Proof (http://prince.planetazalea.co.uk/images/freerice.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on November 13, 2007, 11:49:05 AM
Holy cow!

I'm on 42 pretty consistently...
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on November 16, 2007, 11:03:07 AM
Model having a bad day on the runway:

http://home.comcast.net/~mikechrisnoahtyler/Model.wmv

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on November 21, 2007, 05:45:10 PM
What to get the guy who has everything.  :dragon:

http://www.play.com/Gadgets/Gadgets/4-/479011/Gentlemen-Ballscratcher/Product.html
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bodhi on November 21, 2007, 06:47:10 PM
Not funny, but kinda cool:

http://www.freerice.com/

Learn vocabulary and feed the world.

Well, I got to vocab level 49, anyone got to 50?  Proof (http://prince.planetazalea.co.uk/images/freerice.jpg)

Didn't save the proof... but got to 48. But then I'm foreign  :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on November 22, 2007, 05:04:36 AM
Yeah, but you've got the credability to be believed :)

48 is superb.  Most of the people I work with are around 38, and the chaps for whom English is not their native tounge even lower still.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Baldemyr on December 07, 2007, 09:44:22 AM
Hey guys watch out for this new scam!!

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot or Lowes customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


 :icon_cool:



Apparently my personality is such that 2 friends of mine actually beleived it till all the different dates are listed.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Balgin Stondraeg on December 10, 2007, 08:32:21 AM
Spoof London Underground announcements. (http://www.emmaclarke.com/fun/mind-the-gap/spoof-london-underground-announcements)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on December 11, 2007, 10:05:31 AM
Happy LARPer's Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVZczLuoJoU

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Balgin Stondraeg on December 15, 2007, 01:07:25 PM
In case anyone had forgotten My Pal is Foot Foot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN9UT2zF8c8) (and goodness knows but you'd want to) it's now been immortalised on You Tube. That is what happens when a crazy father buys his two daughters guitars and decides they're going to become pop stars (without the aid of any music lessons).

It got voted worst pop song ever a few years back in a competition that ran for about four months. It only entered the competition on the second week and despite more candidates being entered every week it just kept ranking highest (quite understandable really).
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on December 17, 2007, 12:40:09 AM
I had to share this with you:

The New Star Wars toys range (http://www.mcmorran.org/pages.php?page_id=15)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on January 14, 2008, 05:17:02 AM
Will you find the three differences between the two pictures?

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on January 19, 2008, 08:23:43 PM
No problem with the joke but please remember that kids look at the forum too (at least mine do). My six year old was terrified by that one for a few minutes.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on January 20, 2008, 06:15:25 AM
No problem with the joke but please remember that kids look at the forum too (at least mine do). My six year old was terrified by that one for a few minutes.

Oh sorry about this. I'm usually careful and I just forgot  :icon_neutral:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on January 20, 2008, 10:32:25 AM
No problem, I tell her never to sneak up on me anyway. It was fine, hell I sent it to a bunch of people. Just maybe post a warning for the kids.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on May 09, 2008, 12:58:02 PM
How screwed up do you have to be to do this?

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5764886.html
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 09, 2008, 02:18:57 PM
Although not funny, I moved this over to here because of how ODD it is!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 13, 2008, 12:53:46 AM
http://www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on May 13, 2008, 04:19:23 AM
http://www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/

Good one, CH :)  I only got to 385, though!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 13, 2008, 07:27:42 AM
Its addictive. I didn't keep track of the score but I noticed a lot of time went by and I got nothing done.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Balgin Stondraeg on May 13, 2008, 07:22:59 PM
I got up to 310 and I've never even heard of a sun visor before. It took me a while to realise it was themed.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on May 14, 2008, 10:39:01 AM
Quote
Drunk 'Darth Vader' punished for Jedi attack


LONDON (AFP) — A booze-fuelled Briton pretending to be Star Wars villain Darth Vader was punished Tuesday for a bizarre surprise attack on two Jedi fanatics.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27 -- who has a chronic alcohol problem -- donned a black bin bag for a cape and used a metal crutch for a lightsabre when he impersonated the Dark Lord of the Sith on March 25.

He then lept over the wall of a "Jedi Church" where Barney Jones and his cousin Michael were duelling with lightsabres while filming a documentary.

The fans of the Star Wars films established the "church" last year in Holyhead, northwest Wales.

Hughes hollered "Darth Vader" as he swung his crutch about, whacking Barney Jones over the head with it and punching Michael Jones in the thigh.

The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, and the force was with them at Holyhead Magistrates' Court as district judge Andrew Shaw punished "Darth Vader" with a two-month suspended jail sentence and a 100-pound (195-dollar, 126-euro) fine.

Hughes got off lightly compared to the film version of Vader -- who had a hand chopped off by his son Luke Skywalker and was finished off by bolts of Force lightning from the evil Emperor Palpatine.

Hughes, who has previous convictions for assault, had drunk the best part of a 10-litre box of wine and could not remember the attack, his lawyer Frances Jones told the court.




Yeah take that JEDI SCUM!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 14, 2008, 10:45:59 AM
This one is funny. If you search for it you can actually find the video of the attack.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on May 15, 2008, 07:15:53 AM
http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=VqwgeZooUmQ
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 29, 2008, 11:33:34 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbazH6aE2g
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on May 30, 2008, 10:01:50 AM
Got a strange tex on my phone once....

"Hope you do well in your exams, Love John"

Since I was at work and not doing any I texed back.

"I'm not doing any exams, Love Richard"

He texed back.

"Sorry mate sent that to the wrong person"


   :icon_mrgreen:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: cheddarmonger on May 30, 2008, 10:24:55 AM
here's a clip that those of us family types would enjoy:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TVhwwFHGEFI

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on May 30, 2008, 02:03:37 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?!
WITN ESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you bumfudge' me?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you bumfudge' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on May 31, 2008, 12:10:32 AM
Those are very good!!! :clap2:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Hawkins on May 31, 2008, 05:40:15 AM
i laughted myself silly!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Perv on May 31, 2008, 10:48:14 AM
 :yeahthat:  yeah they are very good.   :occasion14:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on June 02, 2008, 11:34:01 AM
Megatron with his alternate form set to Necron Monolith
(http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/209/2/a/MegaLith___Color_by_LancerAdvanced.jpg)

...and in responce
(http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l268/filbypott/primelantern.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Dr.Evil on June 08, 2008, 05:25:48 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Baldemyr on July 18, 2008, 03:01:17 PM
I dont know about the rest of you-but im a huge fan of batsh_t crazy people.  So in that spirit-   I found this.
http://www.timecube.com/



This site is AWESOME.  Look at the language...the scope...the devotion...the crazy.  It had me in tears.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: King_Doberman on July 18, 2008, 05:14:42 PM
3 mates have saved up to go on a skiing holiday for a week.

when they get there the manager says we are over booked do you mind if you all share the same room and bed folled by we will give you free drinks for you hole holiday.

the 3 lads think ok why not we are getting free drinks and so they say yes.

on the 3ed morning there all in bed and the lad on the right side of the bed said you know I had this top dream that I was getting a hand job last night it felt so real.

the lad said sh*t dude so did I.

the lad in the middle said don't look at me I had a dream I was on skiing and my wrists hut like hell.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on July 21, 2008, 05:01:11 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have hijacked a coach containing the Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his top aids  Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

 

 

 

 
















'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Medved on July 21, 2008, 05:43:50 AM
i thought it would have been cheaper to pay the ransom the way petrol prices are going!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Bungle on July 21, 2008, 06:58:29 PM
In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'British weather'.

It will now be referred to as 'Muslim weather' - partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 23, 2008, 12:01:32 PM
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2380/2351056090_df5f9a4334.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Chrysalis on July 23, 2008, 01:49:55 PM
Well, it's in french, but there's not that much to understand:

http://starpakus.labrute.fr/

You create your brute, you can fight against mine and others, you gain XPs and feats.
The characters act automatically during the fights, so there isn't much to control but to choose your opponent.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Baldemyr on July 23, 2008, 02:50:05 PM
Alright.  I think i did it.  My Brutes name is Andrew C.  Level 2.  :icon_w00t:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on July 23, 2008, 07:42:42 PM
This one just creeps me out.

(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2380/2351056090_df5f9a4334.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 23, 2008, 10:10:41 PM
Thats why I just had to post it
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Hawkins on July 26, 2008, 06:08:29 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on July 28, 2008, 06:06:17 AM
Very good, Hawkins :) Got me LOL IRL :D
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Caerban on July 28, 2008, 07:29:29 AM
I see your creepy Homer and raise you:
(http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/jessica-rabbit-if-she-existed-in-real-life1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 28, 2008, 08:42:39 AM
That one doesnt seem creepy to me
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on July 28, 2008, 08:46:08 AM
That one doesnt seem creepy to me

Now you see, that statement alone is quite creepy.  :icon_wink:
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: gi6ers on July 28, 2008, 09:18:43 AM
Anyone want a new avatar?

http://www.worth1000.com/entries/406000/406428NsVR_w.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 28, 2008, 09:19:27 AM
I get a big red "X"
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: gi6ers on July 28, 2008, 09:43:31 AM
http://www.worth1000.com/emailthis.asp?image=406428

Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Custom_Hobby on July 28, 2008, 09:55:40 AM
I saved that one!
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: Keeper on November 24, 2008, 09:00:04 AM
Just saw these on b3ta.  Because they're on b4ta, lets say NSFW, although I didn't see anything in particular.

http://b3ta.com/challenge/retrosciencefiction/
http://b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/

:D
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on November 28, 2008, 09:32:01 PM
I like the bender in the suit.
Title: Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
Post by: dargrin on February 03, 2009, 04:46:18 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFeRN19Blr4&feature=channel