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Author Topic: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...  (Read 22092 times)

Dr.Evil

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Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« on: February 13, 2007, 08:15:29 PM »

An English man, Scot's man and Irish man are captured by cannibals and are given one last request before they are chopped up and dumped into the stew pot.

The chief says to the English man "what is your last request" and the English man asks for a cigarette, the chief gives the cigarette to the English man who smokes it and then gets chopped up and dumped into the pot.

The chief says to the Scot's man "what is your last request" and the Scot's man asks for a whiskey, the chief gives the whiskey to the Scot's man who drinks it and then gets chopped up and dumped into the pot.

The chief says to the Irish man "what is your last request" and the Irish man asks for two slices of bread, the chief gives the two slices of bread to the Irish man who then sticks his penis* between the slices and wank's till he shoots between them and gives it back to the chief.

The chief looks at the bread and holds up his hands saying "set the white man free, he come's in piece" !!!!


For anyone who can't get it, a sandwich here is also call a piece (spelling might be wrong there) as it is made from two pieces of bread.  :icon_wink:
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cheddarmonger

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2007, 09:13:46 AM »

 :snorting:
:cm
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gi6ers

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2007, 09:52:41 AM »

Dog walks into an employment agency and walks to the guy on the desk, asks him if he's got any jobs.

Bloke behind the desk says 'wow, course we can help! You are a talking dog, I'll get onto the circus and the media'

Dog says 'that's no good, I'm a plumber'

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cheddarmonger

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2007, 10:11:08 AM »

 :icon_scratch:
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2007, 11:41:14 AM »

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze,so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."  :jawsdown:
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gi6ers

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2007, 11:58:51 AM »

A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives there is just a dog sat in a cage.









It was a rubbish*zu.
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2007, 12:11:08 PM »

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".  So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent.  No other children volunteered.  Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
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Dr.Evil

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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2007, 10:23:42 AM »

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.


Edit: I tweaked the title :icon_cool:
« Last Edit: April 12, 2007, 10:25:58 AM by Custom_Hobby »
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2007, 10:27:43 AM »

What do you call a marine with an IQ of 180?




A platoon
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Keeper

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2007, 10:37:43 AM »

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
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Keeper

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2007, 10:40:14 AM »

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
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Keeper

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2007, 10:41:25 AM »

There's no future in time travel.
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Keeper

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2007, 10:42:43 AM »

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.


There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary: those who do and those who don't.


OK.  I'll stop now.
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2007, 10:48:18 AM »

« Last Edit: April 12, 2007, 10:49:57 AM by Bungle »
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