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Author Topic: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...  (Read 22097 times)

dargrin

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #90 on: May 14, 2008, 10:39:01 AM »

Quote
Drunk 'Darth Vader' punished for Jedi attack


LONDON (AFP) — A booze-fuelled Briton pretending to be Star Wars villain Darth Vader was punished Tuesday for a bizarre surprise attack on two Jedi fanatics.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27 -- who has a chronic alcohol problem -- donned a black bin bag for a cape and used a metal crutch for a lightsabre when he impersonated the Dark Lord of the Sith on March 25.

He then lept over the wall of a "Jedi Church" where Barney Jones and his cousin Michael were duelling with lightsabres while filming a documentary.

The fans of the Star Wars films established the "church" last year in Holyhead, northwest Wales.

Hughes hollered "Darth Vader" as he swung his crutch about, whacking Barney Jones over the head with it and punching Michael Jones in the thigh.

The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, and the force was with them at Holyhead Magistrates' Court as district judge Andrew Shaw punished "Darth Vader" with a two-month suspended jail sentence and a 100-pound (195-dollar, 126-euro) fine.

Hughes got off lightly compared to the film version of Vader -- who had a hand chopped off by his son Luke Skywalker and was finished off by bolts of Force lightning from the evil Emperor Palpatine.

Hughes, who has previous convictions for assault, had drunk the best part of a 10-litre box of wine and could not remember the attack, his lawyer Frances Jones told the court.




Yeah take that JEDI SCUM!
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Custom_Hobby

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #91 on: May 14, 2008, 10:45:59 AM »

This one is funny. If you search for it you can actually find the video of the attack.
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Chrysalis

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Dr.Evil

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #94 on: May 30, 2008, 10:01:50 AM »

Got a strange tex on my phone once....

"Hope you do well in your exams, Love John"

Since I was at work and not doing any I texed back.

"I'm not doing any exams, Love Richard"

He texed back.

"Sorry mate sent that to the wrong person"


   :icon_mrgreen:
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cheddarmonger

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #95 on: May 30, 2008, 10:24:55 AM »

here's a clip that those of us family types would enjoy:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TVhwwFHGEFI

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Custom_Hobby

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #96 on: May 30, 2008, 02:03:37 PM »

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?!
WITN ESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you bumfudge' me?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you bumfudge' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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Chrysalis

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #97 on: May 31, 2008, 12:10:32 AM »

Those are very good!!! :clap2:
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Hawkins

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #98 on: May 31, 2008, 05:40:15 AM »

i laughted myself silly!
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Perv

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #99 on: May 31, 2008, 10:48:14 AM »

 :yeahthat:  yeah they are very good.   :occasion14:
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Custom_Hobby

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #100 on: June 02, 2008, 11:34:01 AM »

Megatron with his alternate form set to Necron Monolith


...and in responce
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Dr.Evil

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #101 on: June 08, 2008, 05:25:48 AM »

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Baldemyr

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #102 on: July 18, 2008, 03:01:17 PM »

I dont know about the rest of you-but im a huge fan of batsh_t crazy people.  So in that spirit-   I found this.
http://www.timecube.com/



This site is AWESOME.  Look at the language...the scope...the devotion...the crazy.  It had me in tears.
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King_Doberman

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #103 on: July 18, 2008, 05:14:42 PM »

3 mates have saved up to go on a skiing holiday for a week.

when they get there the manager says we are over booked do you mind if you all share the same room and bed folled by we will give you free drinks for you hole holiday.

the 3 lads think ok why not we are getting free drinks and so they say yes.

on the 3ed morning there all in bed and the lad on the right side of the bed said you know I had this top dream that I was getting a hand job last night it felt so real.

the lad said sh*t dude so did I.

the lad in the middle said don't look at me I had a dream I was on skiing and my wrists hut like hell.
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Keeper

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #104 on: July 21, 2008, 05:01:11 AM »

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have hijacked a coach containing the Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his top aids  Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

 

 

 

 
















'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

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