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Author Topic: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...  (Read 22096 times)

Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2007, 12:11:43 PM »

Cannibals.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo,
- you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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Dr.Evil

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2007, 04:51:05 PM »

Just notice something about someone's Avatar here that i didn't see before and it made me laugh like i did with my Gandulf.  :icon_razz:



Sorry Fabian but it makes me think of Picasso's style of painting.  ::)

 :icon_wink:
« Last Edit: April 13, 2007, 04:55:10 PM by Wristaction »
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Bruenor Odinson

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2007, 03:02:17 AM »









Thought you might like some of these if you've not already seen them.
Thanks to some good friends over at WOM.
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #18 on: April 23, 2007, 03:41:53 PM »

Just got this from a friend in texas....


Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?
 
 
Answer - A map of the United States
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Dr.Evil

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #19 on: April 23, 2007, 03:49:56 PM »

Monty Python Meets Star Wars.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CLwxObfaNE

Bit of cursing in it.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2007, 03:52:34 PM by Wristaction »
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2007, 11:40:46 AM »

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.....

THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING...


BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
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Fabian

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2007, 11:57:54 AM »

@ Wristy - I see what you mean!  :icon_razz:

Trust me, he does have an eye on the other side that's the same size!

Hmm now that sounds dodgy...
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The questions we should be asking are these:
Does it have dungeons?
Does it have dragons?
Does it have transients who kill things for money?  Do you roll a d20?

Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2007, 11:08:11 AM »

Sexist Jokes for computer nuts


Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What
can I do?

Signed, Desperate ------------------


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME

to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly to run over night.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support
------------------

Dear IT Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardrive.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
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Bungle

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2007, 11:19:30 AM »

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Custom_Hobby

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Fabian

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #25 on: April 29, 2007, 03:58:03 PM »

Seen in a post on Bartertown offering Wargods figs: "Harbringer of Horace"  ... I'm hoping the seller means Horus, otherwise there's an Egyptian god I don't know about... one who sounds sort of middle class and inclined to mow the lawn and wash the car...
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The questions we should be asking are these:
Does it have dungeons?
Does it have dragons?
Does it have transients who kill things for money?  Do you roll a d20?

Dr.Evil

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2007, 02:02:46 AM »

I made this when it was being decided if Kev's self sculpt would have....  :icon_wink:



What happened to it anyway.  :icon_scratch:
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Fabian

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2007, 02:14:36 PM »

Agent Molar and I wondered that at Salute. I think we both chickened out of asking him. That is unless the dental one has been holding something back...
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The questions we should be asking are these:
Does it have dungeons?
Does it have dragons?
Does it have transients who kill things for money?  Do you roll a d20?

Custom_Hobby

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2007, 07:29:36 PM »

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Agentmolar

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Re: Jokes, one liners and funny stuff...
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2007, 08:17:00 PM »

Agent Molar and I wondered that at Salute. I think we both chickened out of asking him. That is unless the dental one has been holding something back...

nope im not asking kev about his meat and two veg. Ive already copped flack before for being concerned about anatomical correctness is minis!
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Funny isnt it how naughty dentists always make their one fatal mistake.
Bye for now, keep your teeth clean
www.dentalserenity.com.au
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