Worst player handout ever?!

[Balgin Stondraeg]

Yes, this is honestly a word for word transcript of a player handout from an AEG adventure (known for all the editing errors in their World's Largest Dungeon and other adventures too :p).

Pubescent

Maintain your intrigues interpolated Dominion and insurgent adjoining principality.
Attend transitions to elder reptilians domicile but abjure pubescent versus the colossus multitude.
Sustain their preceptors' incomprehension resting our propositions.
Endure reticent, and in deference to the Cruor Satellite, forbear.
Abstain from instigating protagonist encroachments.
Both units admit superfluities, but reverse if pubescent misconjecture recurrently.
Begetter persists beyond exculpating pubescent concerning pubescents' influx docket.

I'd say that's one of the least comprehensible player handouts I've ever come across (and that includes the one in the Night Below campaign that was in a man's backpack when he got impaled by a falling stalagtite and says the gm should make a hole in the middle and do as much as he feels neccessary to make it hard to read!)

[Caerban]

That is totally rubbish but I've done everything from tear, burn, make fake claw marks and even deliberately soak one written in water based ink in "blood" to make mine incomprehensible to my players.

[Balgin Stondraeg]

That is totally rubbish but I've done everything from tear, burn, make fake claw marks and even deliberately soak one written in water based ink in "blood" to make mine incomprehensible to my players.

Whilst doing part time manual labour at the weekends to see me through my student years, me and a mate had a sort of unofficial competition to see who could hand in a payslip in the worst condition without trying and still get paid. I think my last one was crinkled (from being in a pocket for 2 or 3 weeks), torn and mud stained. He managed to get one crinkled, torn, mud stained, with coffee marks and with blood on it, 'cause he had a nosebleed. So he won in the end.

My attempts to translate it go something like this (aided by the fact that the monster owning this letter was hiding in acountry ran by a knightly order and there was a large Nothrog (goblinoid) warband nearby).

Alright, here goes then.

My child,

maintain your intrigues in the domain that we have strudied and it's rebellious neighbouring country.

Attend journeys to the old lizard's home but defend yourself, my child,  from the mighty horde/many giants/many big things.

Do what you can to keep the head of the knightly order (yeah, I had to look that one up too) from understanding the situation/discovering our plan.

Be strong and wait. Don't go rushing in. Let the Cruor Satellite (satellite community, as in mabye landing post?) do stuff. Don't put yourself at risk.

Don't draw any attention to yourself.

Both places/groups let more in than they should, but they won't if little children make rash foolish decisions over and over again.

Your parent remains beyond exculpating you concerning it's admittance papers.

I assume exculpating is some kind of punishment or banishing. Apparently not, so ...

It should read something like:

I am unable to forgive you for running off without my permission like that.

So trying to tidy it up a little we have....

My child,

continue your intrigues in the area you have studied and the neighbouring country we now know aren't getting on very well with them. *

Observe groups that travel to the old lizard's home but keep an eye out for the many dangers in that area. Nothrog Horde?

The knight's don't know what we're doing. Don't let them find out.

Be patient. Let the Cruor Satellite (satellite community, as in mabye landing post?) take the risks so you don't have to.

Don't draw any attention to yourself.

Both regions * let in more than they should, but they won't if little children, who think they know better, keep making foolish impatient mistakes as you are known to do.

You had no right to run off without permission but you're there now and I'm using you. However I cannot get you off being punished for running over there without permission in the first place/ I remain unable to forgive you for rushing off on your own without my permission.

I still think they must've had some competition to see which one of themn could make that handout even more incomprehensible before publishing it.

That last one's awkward as it implies that it's not "I cannot forgive you" so much as "you're in trouble and I can't fix it for you".